Chuck Norris
Plenty of emails get around the office regarding the Hoff. Chuck Norris has had his share too, with the following give me some laughs.
On a related topic and in the same vein, see the Mr T emails and the Boonie post.
1. Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When the
director said he can’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck
Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.2. If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at
The same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.3. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying “BOOYA”.4. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.5. On the 7th day, God rested…. Chuck Norris took over.
Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.6. When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck
Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.7. It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the
light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.8. Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world’s hardest
substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a
roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure
that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.9. Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a
Baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon
impact.10. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly
thereafter he grew a beard.11. God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly
declined for super strength roundhouse ability.12. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
13. When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a
Wendy’s.14. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
15. A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for
this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.16. Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess.
When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side
of the face.17. Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from
Outer space by the naked eye.18. Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
19. Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
20. Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting
with water.21. If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies just check the extinct
species list.22. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
23. Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.
24. When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck
said, “don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He
came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when
he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with
cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he
gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck
Norris.”25. We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire
Cake before they could tell him there was a stripper in it26. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling, “Bang!”27. In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight
that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the
hooker in Total Recall.28. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
29. If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you
Know who would win? Chuck Norris30. Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.
31. Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them
Out transformed into a robot.32. In one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris
Replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.33. Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped
Him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a
joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades
and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.34. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and
roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass,
don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes
your hat.35. Chuck Norris invented water.
36. Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He
walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a
half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot,
drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled
over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”37. One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally
Lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day
By its technical term: Jupiter.38. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed
Octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth.
Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the
Following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the
jeans,and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car
windshield.39. Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s father.
40. Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a
word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.41. Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn
Occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.42. Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to
Kittens and roundhouse kick them.43. In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation Chuck Norris
can be seen powering the USS enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse
kicks44. Chuck Norris was once asked to recommend a club to which he
replied ‘I am a club’ and everyone partied on him… Until he roundhouse
kicked them all because someone spilt his beer. 1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.45. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
46. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
47. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
48. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
49. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
50. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.
51. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
52. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
53. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
54. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to “fucking.”
55. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
56. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
57. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
58. In the movie “Back to the Future” they used Chuck Norris’ Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson’s disease.
59. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.
60. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn’t was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
61. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.
62. Crop circles are Chuck Norris’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
63. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
64. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
65. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
66. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
67. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
68. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
69. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, “Holy crap! That’s Chuck
Norris!” Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.70. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
71. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
72. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose’s shit.
73. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
74. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.