Sentences for Sale

Boonie

January 20th, 2006

Following the surprising but justifiable importance of the Hoff in the corporate email world, there have been have been a rash of Hoff-alikes.

In particular, emails were sent around regarding the pity dished out by Mr T (of A-Team fame). Then followed the emails about Chuck Norris and his roundhouse kicking ability, not to forget his ability to make a woman climax by pointing at her and shouting ‘Booya’.

Today the Boonie email arrived.

David Boon is an Australian cricket who holds the coveted record for most cans of full strength beer consumed on a flight between Australia and England. This was while he was representing Australia in the national cricket team.

He is now a national selector for the Aussie cricket team and an icon/mascot of one of Australia’s most recognised beers, VB (Victoria Bitter).

For a laugh, I’ll include below the content of the Boonie email. It is pretty much a straight rip-off of the Chuck Norris one, however, I think that adds to some of its charm. The decision to compare the two men was obviously one not to be taken lightly. Clearly the two are unrivalled in their respective fields of celebrity and acheivement and it is proper to make such a comparison. Props to the author, whomever that may be.

30 FACTS ABOUT BOONIE

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Boonie’s Gray Nicholls.

Boonie’s tears don’t cure cancer, but they do cure a hard earned thirst
as they are 6.2% alcohol.

Boonie doesn’t shave; his beard is too scared of his mo. The only thing
that isn’t scared of Boonie’s mo is Boonie, and possibly Merv.

When Boonie was born, he never cried. He just rearranged his box, then
got on with the business of growing his mo.

Boonie sold his soul to the devil for his mo and unparalleled batting
ability. “Fielding at Short Leg” ability was his own doing. Shortly
after the transaction was finalized, Boonie swung his mighty Gray
Nicholls at the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who
appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it
coming. They now play back yard cricket every second Wednesday of the
month, even in the winter.

Boonie does not sleep. He waits. For your shout.

Boonie once cover drove someone so hard that his Gray Nicholls broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and smashed Charles Kingsford Smith
while he was flying over the Tasman

Boonie built a time machine and went back in time to stop Harold Holt
going for a swim. As a shark came near him, Boonie’s mo strangled the
shark. Holt died of amazement and floated out to sea. Boonie then drank
a case.

Boonie does not drink like a horse. horses drink like Boonie

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked
15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different
kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30
minutes. Then he found out about Boonie drinking 52 cans of Full
Strength beer on a flight between London and Sydney, and Chuck Norris’
cancer came back, but this time it had a bigger mo.

The chief export of Boonie comes in keg form.

Boonie is currently suing Slim Dusty’s estate, claiming “The Pub With No
Beer” is something that just shouldn’t be joked about.

Boonie won ‘Jumanji’ without ever saying the word. He simply smashed the
living daylights out of everything that was thrown at him to the fence
with his Gray Nicholls, and the game forfeited.

Boonie drank his first stubbie before his dad did.

Boonie was the fourth Wise Man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
“brew”. Unfortunately, the trip along the desert following that star was
a long one, and none of the 12 cases of beer made it, hence why he was
left out of the bible.

If you can see Boonie, it is your shout. If you can’t see Boonie you may
be only seconds away from a shout.

Boonie doesn’t read books. He drinks in front of them until they pass
out. Then Boonie shakes their hand, rearranges his box and gets on with
business.

When Boonie sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a
picture of himself, crouched and ready at short leg. Boonie has not had
to pay taxes ever.

Boonie can make a woman climax by simply pointing at his mo.

Boonie once ate four 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45
minutes hitting boundaries.

Playing in England for the ashes, Boonie brought a stillborn baby lamb
back to life by giving it a prolonged mo rub. Shortly after the farm
animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Boonie out-drank
the animal, breaking its non-iron guts, to remind the crowd once more

that Boonie giveth, and the good Boonie taketh away.

When Boonie plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or
dysentery, but rather alcohol poisoning. He also requires no wagon,
since the family is carried on the drinks cart. He always makes it to
Oregon before you, then rearranges his box and gets on with business.

After little debate, Australian Prime Ministers have always decided that
we do need to have armed forces instead of Boonie. The reasoning? It is
more “humane”, and Boonie sometimes likes to go home to Tasmania instead
of touring.

Boonie once shot a British plane down with his finger, by yelling,
“Howzat!”

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Boonie-more
than meets the eye, Boonie-robot in disguise,” and starred Boonie as a
Test Cricketer who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and
could turn into a keg. This was far too much awesome for a single show,
however, so it was divided into the “Transformers” and the “Talking
Boonie”.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact leg glanced
to death by Boonie.

Boonie recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We
know this beverage as Budwiser. Boonie won’t drink it either.

There are no retired bowlers. Only bowlers who have met Boonie.

When Boonie’s wife burned the snags one Boxing Day Test, Boonie never
got upset. He just got out his Gray Nicholls, and then belted the burnt
off all the snags. He got Man of the Match that day.

If you ask Boonie what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.”
After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he sweeps your nads for four. Then
he rearranges his box, and gets on with business.

Despite the spelling errors, it gave me a laugh as Boonie is such a character. It may not be so funny if you don’t know Boonie or don’t understand the nuances of cricket, but that’s something you’ll have to deal with in your own time. Perhaps one day I’ll get around to explaining the point of cricket and its basics, although it is indeed a considerable task.

Entry Filed under: Humour